​This post is originally published on Medium on March 29, 2018. 

Photograph by Andrew B. Myers for TIME; Styling by Joelle Litt

​I recently saw a facebook post by a B-school friend of mine complaining about a young employee on her team not wanting to do admin work. The post was followed by a lot of sympathy and resonance, from many, presumably managers in our age group. (One funny thing is, technically speaking, many new managers/mid-level managers, are also millennials). Here are some of my thoughts on this challenge.

1. Ask yourself: What is my philosophy about managing people

Your beliefs and mindsets determine how you choose to react to situations. Do you believe your employees can be self-motivating under the right circumstances or do they need carrots and sticks? Do you believe your employees have the desire to learn and potential to grow or they are set in their own ways and cannot change much? Do you fundamentally believe that your employees are generally good-hearted, growth-oriented people that can thrive in the right place (does not have to be in the current position at your company)? As a leadership coach, I have observed that the more growth-oriented, open-minded management mindset tends to correlate with more motivated, engaged and collaborative employees.

2. Ask yourself: Am I willing to spend the time and energy necessarily to coach, or at least provide honest feedback to this employee?

Management is hard work. You have many meetings to attend, fires to put out, emails to respond to. Yet, many management/leadership books have talked about that your biggest asset as a manager is your people (or in the article linked, how you empower your people). Are you willing to carve out time out of your busy schedule to invest in this high leverage activity — coaching your inexperienced employees.

3. Ok, I want to coach my millennial employee (really, I just want him to stop complaining), what should I do?

Coaching is a large topic that is hard to cover in one post. I compiled a number of HBR articles at the bottom of the page as resources for managers interested in this topic.

I want to focus on two things, uncovering the root cause of the “entitled” behavior and giving feedback. In the facebook post example above, I got a glimpse of a couple of potential root causes behind the “reject and complain about admin work” behavior in the discussion that followed.

“I don’t want people to see me as an admin person”

“This is not a learning opportunity”

To me, uncovering these thoughts from your young employees is fantastic. The first one signals that he is driven by the fear of “wrong” perception, while the second suggests that she is driven by the fear of “not learning/wasting time”. Wanting to be seen as competent and wanting to learn and grow are generally good qualities we want to see in our employees. Therefore, reframing our thoughts about these young employees, instead of labeling them as “entitled”, think about them through their fear, perhaps, could soften our frustration and increase our empathy for their fears.

When we are less frustrated and more empathetic, it is time to give feedback to our “entitled” but really “riddled with fear (and perhaps insecurities)” young employees. Can you empathize with their true concerns? Can you honestly point out the impression/impact that their behaviors leave on you (and you only)? Avoid judging them, describe your perception as your perception, not the absolute truth, nor the character of the young employee. Here is something I would say:

“I understand that you are afraid that by doing more admin work, others will perceive you as the admin person. I can see it is a real concern for you especially because you are the youngest and most inexperienced member of the team. I want to share my honest feedback though. When I have a team of people, and one person consistently rejects admin work and complains about it, I feel tired and frustrated. The story that starts to form in my head is that “this person is difficult to manage, he/she is not willing to take one for the team, and I start to question how much I can rely on him/her for larger responsibilities or to lead”. As your manager, I believe that this is not the impression that you want to leave for me or others. Therefore, let’s talk about your fear, what are some ways that we can find out if this fear is in your head and based on reality? And let’s talk about ways to truly make a good impression on your colleagues and in the organization? ” — there might also be an opportunity to provide feedback on how he/she can provide feedback to you, the manager, without complaining and sounding negative.

My experience with most junior employees is that many (not all) lack the perspectives (views from different angles not their own) that often come with experience. That is why some of them behave “entitled” by complaining and some of them behave “clueless” like showing up to important meetings dressing absurdly or without preparation. Of course there are also these all-stars that have everything together. But anybody can manage an all-star. If you believe in the potential in people, then it is the manager’s duty to provide honest feedback and help the young people to gain perspective and grow.

4. Lastly, be self-reflective, choose creative and collaborative problem solving, and be open to the young person’s input.

Back when I was pursuing a career in Science, I heard there is a viscous cycle in Academia. Many Ph.D students suffer through years of mis-treatment from P.I.s(Principal Investigator, think Science Professors) that took advantage of their cheap labor. When these Ph.D students finally made their tenure positions and start running a lab, they start treating their students the same ways because “that’s the way how Academia works, and you had to suffer like I did”. It is not a very motivating picture.

I hope most of us can aspire to be the manager that we wish to have, especially if you suffered through some terrible managers in the past. Maybe there just isn’t a way to re-distribute the admin work, or turn every task into a learning opportunity, or maybe there is. Invite your challenging employees to be in the problem-solving process with you, and maybe, maybe then, he/she will also see your pain.

The following books/articles might be helpful for anyone struggle with this challenge:

On coaching:
You Can’t Be a Great Manager If You’re Not a Good Coach
Finding the Balance Between Coaching and Managing
4 Reasons Managers Should Spend More Time on Coaching
If You’re Not Helping People Develop, You’re Not Management Material
The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier
​
On feedback & communication:
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg (one of my favorite books on interpersonal communication)
Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone
Supportive Confrontation (this is a great post)
Making Getting Feedback Less Stressful

I recently came across a blog post by Scott Dinsmore at Live Your Legend called "The $100k Question: How to Ask for & Get What You Want".  The central idea is that we need to ask for what we want so that we allow others to support us.  "If you don't ask, the world can't say yes".  This message is quite important in my opinion.  I found it to be particularly relevant for individuals who are seeking a career transition. 

Last year, when I decided to leave my management consulting career to pursue my passion in coaching, I did not have an idea about how I was going to make this work.  I had met a couple of executive coaches during business school but beyond that I neither had the network nor the knowledge to further develop my coaching career.  I knew I could read articles and do research online to learn more about this new field.  However, I also knew that in order to make any substantial progress (such as landing a new job in the desired field or starting a practice), I need to be talking to people.  

But how do I know who to talk to? and how do I reach them? To answer the first question, you need to know what you want in your next career move.  Do you need to find experts with whom you can conduct informational interviews? Do you need job leads or referrals?  I have encountered people in career transition without a clear sense of what they want next.  This makes it extremely difficult for them to communicate their goals and for others to help them.  If you are in this situation, I would encourage you to take some time to reflect, talk to family and friends, or engage with a career coach to figure out what you would like to pursue for the next phase of your career.  

Once I figured out what I want and who I want to meet.  I started reaching out, or in more business terms, "networking".  Many job seekers don't make an effort to publicize their job seeking status.  Many even consciously hide their situation to others due to pride.  I would argue that "asking for what you want" is the number one under-utilized tool in career transition.  We all know that 80% of jobs are not advertised, but how can we get access to these information without letting others know that we are looking for them?  Sure, some of us are not at liberty to share that we are in the job market due to our current employment.  I would argue that there is still a good amount of people you can reach out to and ask for help without risking your current employment.  

In my case, I started "asking for help" at all fronts, starting with my existing networks from work, business school and friends, Here are a few things that I did.  

• Sending an email to my co-workers and friends asking for referrals.  The key here is to be as specific as possible (your goal, who you want to talk to, for what purposes, etc.) so that others know what to offer you. 

• Reaching out to experts on LinkedIn.  Starting with 2nd degree connections and ask for introductions.  For "cold" invites (3rd degree and beyond), ALWAYS customize your invitation message.  
• Talking to friends, family members, even strangers who I meet at parties and events about my career transition.  Ask for relevant connections/referrals if appropriate.  
• After I finish an informational interview with an expert, I always ask for additional people that he or she can connect me with.  

The result of consistently "making the ask" is that I was able to develop a roster of 100+ experts and connections that is relevant for my field, received multiple job referrals that consequently resulted in job offers, and got my first coaching client and many interesting opportunities to collaborate on projects.  One person who I reached out "cold" on LinkedIn ultimately became a mentor and an advocate for me.  

This would not have happened if I did not take the initiative to ask for help.  Therefore, I invite you to identify you goals, reach out to those around you and simply ask.  

"Tuesdays with Morrie" is an extraordinary book.  Or to be more precise, Morrie Schwartz is an extraordinary man.  I read this book over memorial day weekend and felt the urge to summarize the life lessons I took away from Morrie's stories and post them on my wall.  So I did (see picture below).  Instead of listing out all the life lessons, I translated the most important learnings into "guidelines" that I aspire to live by in my daily life.  Here they are 

• Being fully present, really listen 
  
• Be compassionate, give out love, offer others your time, your concern
  
• Embrace all emotions, fully experience them, and then, let them go
  
• Make peace with myself and everyone around me 
  

"Tuesdays with Morrie" is a popular book.  It is an International best seller and has almost 3,000 book reviews on Amazon.  Morrie Schwartz's story was captured by national television show "Nightline" as depicted in the book.  After the book was published, there was even a TV movie made out of it in 1999.  I don't know why I did not come across this book earlier, but I am thankful that I finally read it.  Almost twenty years after Morrie died from ALS, his wise-words are still very relevant to our lives.  

"Tuesday with Morrie" reminds me of another popular article ("top 5 regrets people make on death bed") that can help us gain some perspectives about life.  Funny how worth-while life lessons all comes from death bed.  Here is the summary from the article. 

Top 5 regrets people make on death bed
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

The truth is, intellectually we all understand everything Morrie says.  We all nod mechanically when some guru or TED speaker says "money doesn't buy happiness".  But how many of us truly live by our own values.  Many people say "family" is their number one priority, but a quick examination on how we choose to spend our time reveals otherwise.  Therefore, reading a good book like "Tuesdays with Morrie" may bring some tears into our eyes but will have very minimal effect on our lives if we don't take action and live by those lessons.  That is why I created this post and put my learnings on my wall. 

Below is the more expanded life lessons that I took away from this book.  I invite you to think about what you took away from Morrie's book and what you are going to do differently in your life. _

I recently came across this interview of Oprah at the Stanford GSB.  Although I have never watched a full episode of Oprah's talk show or read any issue of her magazine, I quickly understood why she is one of the most respected and powerful women in this country.  I found a lot of wisdom in her sharing of her life stories and life philosophies.  One of the key principals that she encourage GSBers to live by is to understand oneself and one's purpose in order to "step up into yourself".  This very much aligns with the coaching and personal development approach I use which starts with developing a strong sense of self-awareness.  

A lot has been written about Oprah and this interview so I am not going to write a long post on this one.  I encourage you to watch the video (it is an hour long, but hey we can all use some inspirations from time to time).  If you are short on time, you can read a summary and the quotes from the two GSB articles below.  Enjoy! 

• Summary of the talk - Oprah Winfrey: "Align Your Personality With Your Purpose and No One Can Touch You."
• Quotes from the talk - The Quotable Oprah Winfrey
  

The topic of negotiation came up quite a few times recently during my coaching conversations.  I realized that unless you went to an MBA program, took specific courses in college or graduate schools, or work in a business development/sales role, most people don't know a lot about the basic principals of negotiation.  Additionally, people (including me) often don't feel comfortable about negotiations, because we feel that asking for more suggests greediness and risks damaging our relationship with the other party.  

Even after taking a couple of negotiation classes during business school, I still find myself coming back to the Stanford GSB's talk on negotiation (video attached at the end of the blog) for encouragement and inspirations before preparing for a negotiation myself.  I also recognize in myself that the more I think about the topic and the more I practice negotiation, it becomes easier.  Therefore, I want to share some basic negotiation principals in this post and encourage you to try them out next time.  To me, the biggest barrier to a successful negotiation (or even choosing to negotiate) is the mindset. 

Mindset for a negotiation

• Negotiation is necessary:  There is a reason that you want to negotiate.  It could be that you feel that you are under-valued, or you feel that there is room for more in an offer.  No matter what your reason is, just know that if you do not at least try to have the negotiation conversation, you will continue to wonder about the "what ifs".  Therefore, for your own peace of mind, think of negotiation as a necessary step which can potentially benefit both you and the counter party. 
• It's about expanding the pie rather than give-and-take: This is one of the most important mindset changes that I advice to my clients.  It is very easy to see negotiation as "if I get more, he has less".  This give-and-take mindset narrows negotiation into win-lose situation and makes the conversation uncomfortable.  When done correctly, negotiation can actually be a win-win situation.  Instead of focusing on who gets what % of the existing pie, think about how can we expand the pie so that both of us can get more.  This turns negotiation into a more collaborative and pleasant conversation.  

Basic negotiation principals

• Multi-issue negotiation: I consider this the most important principal to negotiation.  This principal allows you to expand the pie.  Multi-issue means that you consider all the issues that you and your counter part care about and bring them all on the table for negotiation.  For example, job seekers often focus on salary number in offer negotiation.  The danger is that some employers do not have much wiggle room for salary, especially for more junior level positions.  However, there are a lot more to a job that we care about than just the salary.  On the money side, there is signing bonus, annual bonus, stock options, performance-based compensation, other allowances, etc.  On the non-monetary side, there is flexible work schedule/location, work responsibility, visibility of projects, training & development, promotion schedule, promotion terms, mentoring, and many more.  Employers might have a lot more room to provide something that you want in these other areas.   
  
• Think in package deals  (interest-based negotiation): You should avoid issue-by-issue negotiation in multi-issue negotiation, because it puts you back in the limited give-and-take conversation.  What you do is to always think in package deals.  "If I give up some in issue 1, can I get more in issue 2."  This provides flexibility in negotiation for your counter part to think about what issue is more important to them, and allows room for more creative win-win solutions. 

A few additional principals for mostly single-issue negotiations 

• Establish an aspirational goal: You might not get to your goal, but having one helps you aim high and not settle for low.  Otherwise, you might just accept an un-optimized deal. 
  
• Know your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement):  The most powerful negotiation is to have a strong BATNA.  That is why having another job offer can help you negotiate more effectively.  
  
• Know your reservation price: This is your walk away price, which means that at this price, you would rather walk away then taking the offer.  Sometimes, this is not as relevant for job seekers but in many other types of negotiation (such as buying a car), it is important to know your walk-away price.  The reservation price and your aspirational goal sets boundary for the range you are going to negotiate in. 

And most importantly, 

• Prepare, prepare and prepare:  You can come up with an effective negotiation strategy only if you do research on you and your counter part's interests.  Remember that the key to finding an optimized solution is to identify issues that you care more about than your counter part and vice-versa.  So spend the time to think about your priorities, and put yourself in the shoes of your counter part to think about his priorities.  Do industry benchmark research if it's for a salary negotiation.  Practice with others if you feel unsure about the delivery so that you feel more comfortable in the real thing.  

Lastly, here is the video from Professor Margaret Neale of Stanford Graduate School of Business on negotiation.  Some content of this video is targeted at women but I find the basic principals applicable to everyone.  Enjoy!