"Tuesdays with Morrie" is an extraordinary book.  Or to be more precise, Morrie Schwartz is an extraordinary man.  I read this book over memorial day weekend and felt the urge to summarize the life lessons I took away from Morrie's stories and post them on my wall.  So I did (see picture below).  Instead of listing out all the life lessons, I translated the most important learnings into "guidelines" that I aspire to live by in my daily life.  Here they are 

• Being fully present, really listen 
  
• Be compassionate, give out love, offer others your time, your concern
  
• Embrace all emotions, fully experience them, and then, let them go
  
• Make peace with myself and everyone around me 
  

"Tuesdays with Morrie" is a popular book.  It is an International best seller and has almost 3,000 book reviews on Amazon.  Morrie Schwartz's story was captured by national television show "Nightline" as depicted in the book.  After the book was published, there was even a TV movie made out of it in 1999.  I don't know why I did not come across this book earlier, but I am thankful that I finally read it.  Almost twenty years after Morrie died from ALS, his wise-words are still very relevant to our lives.  

"Tuesday with Morrie" reminds me of another popular article ("top 5 regrets people make on death bed") that can help us gain some perspectives about life.  Funny how worth-while life lessons all comes from death bed.  Here is the summary from the article. 

Top 5 regrets people make on death bed
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

The truth is, intellectually we all understand everything Morrie says.  We all nod mechanically when some guru or TED speaker says "money doesn't buy happiness".  But how many of us truly live by our own values.  Many people say "family" is their number one priority, but a quick examination on how we choose to spend our time reveals otherwise.  Therefore, reading a good book like "Tuesdays with Morrie" may bring some tears into our eyes but will have very minimal effect on our lives if we don't take action and live by those lessons.  That is why I created this post and put my learnings on my wall. 

Below is the more expanded life lessons that I took away from this book.  I invite you to think about what you took away from Morrie's book and what you are going to do differently in your life. _

I recently came across this interview of Oprah at the Stanford GSB.  Although I have never watched a full episode of Oprah's talk show or read any issue of her magazine, I quickly understood why she is one of the most respected and powerful women in this country.  I found a lot of wisdom in her sharing of her life stories and life philosophies.  One of the key principals that she encourage GSBers to live by is to understand oneself and one's purpose in order to "step up into yourself".  This very much aligns with the coaching and personal development approach I use which starts with developing a strong sense of self-awareness.  

A lot has been written about Oprah and this interview so I am not going to write a long post on this one.  I encourage you to watch the video (it is an hour long, but hey we can all use some inspirations from time to time).  If you are short on time, you can read a summary and the quotes from the two GSB articles below.  Enjoy! 

• Summary of the talk - Oprah Winfrey: "Align Your Personality With Your Purpose and No One Can Touch You."
• Quotes from the talk - The Quotable Oprah Winfrey
  

The topic of negotiation came up quite a few times recently during my coaching conversations.  I realized that unless you went to an MBA program, took specific courses in college or graduate schools, or work in a business development/sales role, most people don't know a lot about the basic principals of negotiation.  Additionally, people (including me) often don't feel comfortable about negotiations, because we feel that asking for more suggests greediness and risks damaging our relationship with the other party.  

Even after taking a couple of negotiation classes during business school, I still find myself coming back to the Stanford GSB's talk on negotiation (video attached at the end of the blog) for encouragement and inspirations before preparing for a negotiation myself.  I also recognize in myself that the more I think about the topic and the more I practice negotiation, it becomes easier.  Therefore, I want to share some basic negotiation principals in this post and encourage you to try them out next time.  To me, the biggest barrier to a successful negotiation (or even choosing to negotiate) is the mindset. 

Mindset for a negotiation

• Negotiation is necessary:  There is a reason that you want to negotiate.  It could be that you feel that you are under-valued, or you feel that there is room for more in an offer.  No matter what your reason is, just know that if you do not at least try to have the negotiation conversation, you will continue to wonder about the "what ifs".  Therefore, for your own peace of mind, think of negotiation as a necessary step which can potentially benefit both you and the counter party. 
• It's about expanding the pie rather than give-and-take: This is one of the most important mindset changes that I advice to my clients.  It is very easy to see negotiation as "if I get more, he has less".  This give-and-take mindset narrows negotiation into win-lose situation and makes the conversation uncomfortable.  When done correctly, negotiation can actually be a win-win situation.  Instead of focusing on who gets what % of the existing pie, think about how can we expand the pie so that both of us can get more.  This turns negotiation into a more collaborative and pleasant conversation.  

Basic negotiation principals

• Multi-issue negotiation: I consider this the most important principal to negotiation.  This principal allows you to expand the pie.  Multi-issue means that you consider all the issues that you and your counter part care about and bring them all on the table for negotiation.  For example, job seekers often focus on salary number in offer negotiation.  The danger is that some employers do not have much wiggle room for salary, especially for more junior level positions.  However, there are a lot more to a job that we care about than just the salary.  On the money side, there is signing bonus, annual bonus, stock options, performance-based compensation, other allowances, etc.  On the non-monetary side, there is flexible work schedule/location, work responsibility, visibility of projects, training & development, promotion schedule, promotion terms, mentoring, and many more.  Employers might have a lot more room to provide something that you want in these other areas.   
  
• Think in package deals  (interest-based negotiation): You should avoid issue-by-issue negotiation in multi-issue negotiation, because it puts you back in the limited give-and-take conversation.  What you do is to always think in package deals.  "If I give up some in issue 1, can I get more in issue 2."  This provides flexibility in negotiation for your counter part to think about what issue is more important to them, and allows room for more creative win-win solutions. 

A few additional principals for mostly single-issue negotiations 

• Establish an aspirational goal: You might not get to your goal, but having one helps you aim high and not settle for low.  Otherwise, you might just accept an un-optimized deal. 
  
• Know your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement):  The most powerful negotiation is to have a strong BATNA.  That is why having another job offer can help you negotiate more effectively.  
  
• Know your reservation price: This is your walk away price, which means that at this price, you would rather walk away then taking the offer.  Sometimes, this is not as relevant for job seekers but in many other types of negotiation (such as buying a car), it is important to know your walk-away price.  The reservation price and your aspirational goal sets boundary for the range you are going to negotiate in. 

And most importantly, 

• Prepare, prepare and prepare:  You can come up with an effective negotiation strategy only if you do research on you and your counter part's interests.  Remember that the key to finding an optimized solution is to identify issues that you care more about than your counter part and vice-versa.  So spend the time to think about your priorities, and put yourself in the shoes of your counter part to think about his priorities.  Do industry benchmark research if it's for a salary negotiation.  Practice with others if you feel unsure about the delivery so that you feel more comfortable in the real thing.  

Lastly, here is the video from Professor Margaret Neale of Stanford Graduate School of Business on negotiation.  Some content of this video is targeted at women but I find the basic principals applicable to everyone.  Enjoy! 

Career transition is often a lengthy and grueling process during which our confidence is tested many times when things don't go as smoothly as we imagined.  Many of my coaching clients struggle with maintaining positivity and confidence after they encountered a harsh interviewer or received rejections from job applications.  Intellectually, many people understand that mentality has a large effect on how we show up and perform in interviews.  The question then becomes, how do you psych yourself up when the world seems to be against you. 

One inspiration for me in this area is Harvard Professor Amy Cuddy's 17million-views TED talk, "Your body language shapes who you are" (see video link at the bottom of the post).  Amy's research indicates that our body posture affects our testosterone (dominant hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone) levels, both of which influence how confident and powerful we feel.  Therefore, by adapting a "power posture", one can physically and psychologically "trick" your body and mind to be more dominant, high-power and confident.  

Amy Cuddy's research inspired me to look into other somatic and psychological methods to help job seekers maintain confidence and positive attitude.  Below are some exercises that I often find helpful both personally and in my clients.  

Throughout the career transition period 

• Focus on the positive 20%: For each interview, especially the ones that you considered "failures", look for the 20% that worked.  You may think that you completely bombed the interview, but I am sure there are many things that you did well.  Here are some examples:  "I built a good rapport with the interviewer"; "I was able to land an interview without much direct experiences"; "I told a great story about my past experience"; "I was on time", etc.  Write these discoveries down in a list, continue to add to the list as your career transition progresses.  Put the list somewhere visible and continue doing these positive behaviors.  This idea came from Tom Chi's talk during Hive Global Leaders Program.  The basic principal here is to focus on the positives of a "failure experience".  While learning from what didn't work can help us not make the same mistakes the next time, it also makes us feel regretful and sad about the past experience.  Therefore, in addition to learning from the mistakes, I encourage my clients to spend some efforts focusing on the 20% that worked.  Doing this can help us stay more positive and confident as we inevitably encounter obstacles during our career transition.  
• Positive experience meditation: Recall a past experience during which you performed very well and succeed at a certain difficult task.  Each day, spend 5 minute meditate on that experience.  With your eyes closed, try to recall as much details about this positive experience in your mind.  Recall the exact place, the atmosphere, the people, the action you took, the words you and others were saying.  Notice how your body feels during this meditation.  This exercise can help you and your body remember what it feels like to be powerful and confident.  

Right before an interview

• Practice a power pose for 2 minutes: This idea came directly from Amy Cuddy's research.  Before an interview, you can go to a private place (bathroom stall is usually a good option) and hold a power pose (see Amy's TED talk on what are power poses) for 2 minutes continuously.  You may feel silly doing this, but if scientific research shows that it increases confidence and lowers stress hormone, why shouldn't we give it a try? :) 
• Positive experience meditation for 2 minutes: This is basically doing the daily positive experience meditation, but right before the interview.  Instead of nervously memorizing your answers before the interview, which only increases stress, try this meditation/imaging technique to put your mindset in a positive and confident place.  

During an interview

• Sit straight, take up a reasonable amount of space with your body and be aware of your body position: Obviously we cannot lean back and put our feet on the table during an interview.  However, I have noticed in myself that sitting up straight, with my arms supported on the table or chair, and taking up a reasonable amount of space physically with my body, increases my presence in the room and makes me feel that I am more in control.  I encourage you to be more aware of your body posture/body language during an interview so that you can develop what works best for you. 

Hope you find some of these exercises helpful in your career transition journey.  Enjoy the TED video!  

In my last post, I discussed the concept of our inner critic, the negativity it can bring to our lives and some tips about how you can spot it when it appears in your mind.  In today's post, I want to share some ideas around what you can do to defend against your inner critic after you identify them. 

First of all, congratulations on being able to identify your inner critic.  This first step is actually half the battle.  Once you recognize the voice of the inner critic, you become more aware of its existence and its messages.  One simple next step you can take is to actually write down what your inner critic says. The process of simply writing down the attacks from our inner critic can help you create the space between you and the inner critic. For me personally, I began to find some of these attacks ridiculous once I wrote them down.  

After writing down the attacks from your inner critic, try a few ways that you would respond to the inner critic if it is an external person speaking to you.  What we found in our coaching class is that you cannot argue logically with your inner critic.  Don't try to engage your inner critic in a dialog, argue with it or even negotiate with it.  As I wrote in my previous post, we listen to our inner critic because there is often a grain of truth in its criticism.  But to take the grain of truth without feeling small, incapable, guilty or ashamed, we have to defeat the punitive inner critic first.  Engaging in dialog or argument only empowers it.  

Instead of engaging with the inner critic, try a few responses that exert a strong energy such as saying "NO" or "SHUT UP" loudly.  One can also use humor if it feels right.  The idea here is to use a response with an energy level stronger than the inner critic to reject or deflate its message.  You will know when you defeat your inner critic when you no longer have an emotional reaction to that specific attack.  

The last thing that you want to do after defeating your inner critic is to reflect on "what is the truth" in the inner critic's original attack.  Inquire compassionately and curiously, without judgement of yourself.  

One more suggestion here is that you can make note of your physical and emotional reactions throughout these experiments.  Notice how effective defenses feel like in your body.  This can also help you re-create these defenses in future times.  

It might feel awkward and vulnerable when you first start working on the inner critic.  It might be helpful to work with a trusted friend or a coach (have someone pretending to be your inner critic can help you come up with effective defenses).  Regardless how you choose to work on this, just remember that if you bring consistent and conscious effort to combating your inner critic, it will become weaker and thus allow you more positive energy, freedom and creativity to achieve what you set out to achieve in life.  

Lastly, here is a wildly popular TED video from Brené Brown. Although the main topic of the talk was on vulnerability (which deserves another blog post), another message stood out loud and clear to me: 

"There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy."  

"And so these (whole-hearted) folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect."