​This post is originally published on Medium on March 29, 2018. 

Photograph by Andrew B. Myers for TIME; Styling by Joelle Litt

​I recently saw a facebook post by a B-school friend of mine complaining about a young employee on her team not wanting to do admin work. The post was followed by a lot of sympathy and resonance, from many, presumably managers in our age group. (One funny thing is, technically speaking, many new managers/mid-level managers, are also millennials). Here are some of my thoughts on this challenge.

1. Ask yourself: What is my philosophy about managing people

Your beliefs and mindsets determine how you choose to react to situations. Do you believe your employees can be self-motivating under the right circumstances or do they need carrots and sticks? Do you believe your employees have the desire to learn and potential to grow or they are set in their own ways and cannot change much? Do you fundamentally believe that your employees are generally good-hearted, growth-oriented people that can thrive in the right place (does not have to be in the current position at your company)? As a leadership coach, I have observed that the more growth-oriented, open-minded management mindset tends to correlate with more motivated, engaged and collaborative employees.

2. Ask yourself: Am I willing to spend the time and energy necessarily to coach, or at least provide honest feedback to this employee?

Management is hard work. You have many meetings to attend, fires to put out, emails to respond to. Yet, many management/leadership books have talked about that your biggest asset as a manager is your people (or in the article linked, how you empower your people). Are you willing to carve out time out of your busy schedule to invest in this high leverage activity — coaching your inexperienced employees.

3. Ok, I want to coach my millennial employee (really, I just want him to stop complaining), what should I do?

Coaching is a large topic that is hard to cover in one post. I compiled a number of HBR articles at the bottom of the page as resources for managers interested in this topic.

I want to focus on two things, uncovering the root cause of the “entitled” behavior and giving feedback. In the facebook post example above, I got a glimpse of a couple of potential root causes behind the “reject and complain about admin work” behavior in the discussion that followed.

“I don’t want people to see me as an admin person”

“This is not a learning opportunity”

To me, uncovering these thoughts from your young employees is fantastic. The first one signals that he is driven by the fear of “wrong” perception, while the second suggests that she is driven by the fear of “not learning/wasting time”. Wanting to be seen as competent and wanting to learn and grow are generally good qualities we want to see in our employees. Therefore, reframing our thoughts about these young employees, instead of labeling them as “entitled”, think about them through their fear, perhaps, could soften our frustration and increase our empathy for their fears.

When we are less frustrated and more empathetic, it is time to give feedback to our “entitled” but really “riddled with fear (and perhaps insecurities)” young employees. Can you empathize with their true concerns? Can you honestly point out the impression/impact that their behaviors leave on you (and you only)? Avoid judging them, describe your perception as your perception, not the absolute truth, nor the character of the young employee. Here is something I would say:

“I understand that you are afraid that by doing more admin work, others will perceive you as the admin person. I can see it is a real concern for you especially because you are the youngest and most inexperienced member of the team. I want to share my honest feedback though. When I have a team of people, and one person consistently rejects admin work and complains about it, I feel tired and frustrated. The story that starts to form in my head is that “this person is difficult to manage, he/she is not willing to take one for the team, and I start to question how much I can rely on him/her for larger responsibilities or to lead”. As your manager, I believe that this is not the impression that you want to leave for me or others. Therefore, let’s talk about your fear, what are some ways that we can find out if this fear is in your head and based on reality? And let’s talk about ways to truly make a good impression on your colleagues and in the organization? ” — there might also be an opportunity to provide feedback on how he/she can provide feedback to you, the manager, without complaining and sounding negative.

My experience with most junior employees is that many (not all) lack the perspectives (views from different angles not their own) that often come with experience. That is why some of them behave “entitled” by complaining and some of them behave “clueless” like showing up to important meetings dressing absurdly or without preparation. Of course there are also these all-stars that have everything together. But anybody can manage an all-star. If you believe in the potential in people, then it is the manager’s duty to provide honest feedback and help the young people to gain perspective and grow.

4. Lastly, be self-reflective, choose creative and collaborative problem solving, and be open to the young person’s input.

Back when I was pursuing a career in Science, I heard there is a viscous cycle in Academia. Many Ph.D students suffer through years of mis-treatment from P.I.s(Principal Investigator, think Science Professors) that took advantage of their cheap labor. When these Ph.D students finally made their tenure positions and start running a lab, they start treating their students the same ways because “that’s the way how Academia works, and you had to suffer like I did”. It is not a very motivating picture.

I hope most of us can aspire to be the manager that we wish to have, especially if you suffered through some terrible managers in the past. Maybe there just isn’t a way to re-distribute the admin work, or turn every task into a learning opportunity, or maybe there is. Invite your challenging employees to be in the problem-solving process with you, and maybe, maybe then, he/she will also see your pain.

The following books/articles might be helpful for anyone struggle with this challenge:

On coaching:
You Can’t Be a Great Manager If You’re Not a Good Coach
Finding the Balance Between Coaching and Managing
4 Reasons Managers Should Spend More Time on Coaching
If You’re Not Helping People Develop, You’re Not Management Material
The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier
​
On feedback & communication:
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg (one of my favorite books on interpersonal communication)
Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone
Supportive Confrontation (this is a great post)
Making Getting Feedback Less Stressful

I recently came across a blog post by Scott Dinsmore at Live Your Legend called "The $100k Question: How to Ask for & Get What You Want".  The central idea is that we need to ask for what we want so that we allow others to support us.  "If you don't ask, the world can't say yes".  This message is quite important in my opinion.  I found it to be particularly relevant for individuals who are seeking a career transition. 

Last year, when I decided to leave my management consulting career to pursue my passion in coaching, I did not have an idea about how I was going to make this work.  I had met a couple of executive coaches during business school but beyond that I neither had the network nor the knowledge to further develop my coaching career.  I knew I could read articles and do research online to learn more about this new field.  However, I also knew that in order to make any substantial progress (such as landing a new job in the desired field or starting a practice), I need to be talking to people.  

But how do I know who to talk to? and how do I reach them? To answer the first question, you need to know what you want in your next career move.  Do you need to find experts with whom you can conduct informational interviews? Do you need job leads or referrals?  I have encountered people in career transition without a clear sense of what they want next.  This makes it extremely difficult for them to communicate their goals and for others to help them.  If you are in this situation, I would encourage you to take some time to reflect, talk to family and friends, or engage with a career coach to figure out what you would like to pursue for the next phase of your career.  

Once I figured out what I want and who I want to meet.  I started reaching out, or in more business terms, "networking".  Many job seekers don't make an effort to publicize their job seeking status.  Many even consciously hide their situation to others due to pride.  I would argue that "asking for what you want" is the number one under-utilized tool in career transition.  We all know that 80% of jobs are not advertised, but how can we get access to these information without letting others know that we are looking for them?  Sure, some of us are not at liberty to share that we are in the job market due to our current employment.  I would argue that there is still a good amount of people you can reach out to and ask for help without risking your current employment.  

In my case, I started "asking for help" at all fronts, starting with my existing networks from work, business school and friends, Here are a few things that I did.  

• Sending an email to my co-workers and friends asking for referrals.  The key here is to be as specific as possible (your goal, who you want to talk to, for what purposes, etc.) so that others know what to offer you. 

• Reaching out to experts on LinkedIn.  Starting with 2nd degree connections and ask for introductions.  For "cold" invites (3rd degree and beyond), ALWAYS customize your invitation message.  
• Talking to friends, family members, even strangers who I meet at parties and events about my career transition.  Ask for relevant connections/referrals if appropriate.  
• After I finish an informational interview with an expert, I always ask for additional people that he or she can connect me with.  

The result of consistently "making the ask" is that I was able to develop a roster of 100+ experts and connections that is relevant for my field, received multiple job referrals that consequently resulted in job offers, and got my first coaching client and many interesting opportunities to collaborate on projects.  One person who I reached out "cold" on LinkedIn ultimately became a mentor and an advocate for me.  

This would not have happened if I did not take the initiative to ask for help.  Therefore, I invite you to identify you goals, reach out to those around you and simply ask.  

I recently came across this interview of Oprah at the Stanford GSB.  Although I have never watched a full episode of Oprah's talk show or read any issue of her magazine, I quickly understood why she is one of the most respected and powerful women in this country.  I found a lot of wisdom in her sharing of her life stories and life philosophies.  One of the key principals that she encourage GSBers to live by is to understand oneself and one's purpose in order to "step up into yourself".  This very much aligns with the coaching and personal development approach I use which starts with developing a strong sense of self-awareness.  

A lot has been written about Oprah and this interview so I am not going to write a long post on this one.  I encourage you to watch the video (it is an hour long, but hey we can all use some inspirations from time to time).  If you are short on time, you can read a summary and the quotes from the two GSB articles below.  Enjoy! 

• Summary of the talk - Oprah Winfrey: "Align Your Personality With Your Purpose and No One Can Touch You."
• Quotes from the talk - The Quotable Oprah Winfrey
  

Career transition is often a lengthy and grueling process during which our confidence is tested many times when things don't go as smoothly as we imagined.  Many of my coaching clients struggle with maintaining positivity and confidence after they encountered a harsh interviewer or received rejections from job applications.  Intellectually, many people understand that mentality has a large effect on how we show up and perform in interviews.  The question then becomes, how do you psych yourself up when the world seems to be against you. 

One inspiration for me in this area is Harvard Professor Amy Cuddy's 17million-views TED talk, "Your body language shapes who you are" (see video link at the bottom of the post).  Amy's research indicates that our body posture affects our testosterone (dominant hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone) levels, both of which influence how confident and powerful we feel.  Therefore, by adapting a "power posture", one can physically and psychologically "trick" your body and mind to be more dominant, high-power and confident.  

Amy Cuddy's research inspired me to look into other somatic and psychological methods to help job seekers maintain confidence and positive attitude.  Below are some exercises that I often find helpful both personally and in my clients.  

Throughout the career transition period 

• Focus on the positive 20%: For each interview, especially the ones that you considered "failures", look for the 20% that worked.  You may think that you completely bombed the interview, but I am sure there are many things that you did well.  Here are some examples:  "I built a good rapport with the interviewer"; "I was able to land an interview without much direct experiences"; "I told a great story about my past experience"; "I was on time", etc.  Write these discoveries down in a list, continue to add to the list as your career transition progresses.  Put the list somewhere visible and continue doing these positive behaviors.  This idea came from Tom Chi's talk during Hive Global Leaders Program.  The basic principal here is to focus on the positives of a "failure experience".  While learning from what didn't work can help us not make the same mistakes the next time, it also makes us feel regretful and sad about the past experience.  Therefore, in addition to learning from the mistakes, I encourage my clients to spend some efforts focusing on the 20% that worked.  Doing this can help us stay more positive and confident as we inevitably encounter obstacles during our career transition.  
• Positive experience meditation: Recall a past experience during which you performed very well and succeed at a certain difficult task.  Each day, spend 5 minute meditate on that experience.  With your eyes closed, try to recall as much details about this positive experience in your mind.  Recall the exact place, the atmosphere, the people, the action you took, the words you and others were saying.  Notice how your body feels during this meditation.  This exercise can help you and your body remember what it feels like to be powerful and confident.  

Right before an interview

• Practice a power pose for 2 minutes: This idea came directly from Amy Cuddy's research.  Before an interview, you can go to a private place (bathroom stall is usually a good option) and hold a power pose (see Amy's TED talk on what are power poses) for 2 minutes continuously.  You may feel silly doing this, but if scientific research shows that it increases confidence and lowers stress hormone, why shouldn't we give it a try? :) 
• Positive experience meditation for 2 minutes: This is basically doing the daily positive experience meditation, but right before the interview.  Instead of nervously memorizing your answers before the interview, which only increases stress, try this meditation/imaging technique to put your mindset in a positive and confident place.  

During an interview

• Sit straight, take up a reasonable amount of space with your body and be aware of your body position: Obviously we cannot lean back and put our feet on the table during an interview.  However, I have noticed in myself that sitting up straight, with my arms supported on the table or chair, and taking up a reasonable amount of space physically with my body, increases my presence in the room and makes me feel that I am more in control.  I encourage you to be more aware of your body posture/body language during an interview so that you can develop what works best for you. 

Hope you find some of these exercises helpful in your career transition journey.  Enjoy the TED video!  

In my last post, I discussed the concept of our inner critic, the negativity it can bring to our lives and some tips about how you can spot it when it appears in your mind.  In today's post, I want to share some ideas around what you can do to defend against your inner critic after you identify them. 

First of all, congratulations on being able to identify your inner critic.  This first step is actually half the battle.  Once you recognize the voice of the inner critic, you become more aware of its existence and its messages.  One simple next step you can take is to actually write down what your inner critic says. The process of simply writing down the attacks from our inner critic can help you create the space between you and the inner critic. For me personally, I began to find some of these attacks ridiculous once I wrote them down.  

After writing down the attacks from your inner critic, try a few ways that you would respond to the inner critic if it is an external person speaking to you.  What we found in our coaching class is that you cannot argue logically with your inner critic.  Don't try to engage your inner critic in a dialog, argue with it or even negotiate with it.  As I wrote in my previous post, we listen to our inner critic because there is often a grain of truth in its criticism.  But to take the grain of truth without feeling small, incapable, guilty or ashamed, we have to defeat the punitive inner critic first.  Engaging in dialog or argument only empowers it.  

Instead of engaging with the inner critic, try a few responses that exert a strong energy such as saying "NO" or "SHUT UP" loudly.  One can also use humor if it feels right.  The idea here is to use a response with an energy level stronger than the inner critic to reject or deflate its message.  You will know when you defeat your inner critic when you no longer have an emotional reaction to that specific attack.  

The last thing that you want to do after defeating your inner critic is to reflect on "what is the truth" in the inner critic's original attack.  Inquire compassionately and curiously, without judgement of yourself.  

One more suggestion here is that you can make note of your physical and emotional reactions throughout these experiments.  Notice how effective defenses feel like in your body.  This can also help you re-create these defenses in future times.  

It might feel awkward and vulnerable when you first start working on the inner critic.  It might be helpful to work with a trusted friend or a coach (have someone pretending to be your inner critic can help you come up with effective defenses).  Regardless how you choose to work on this, just remember that if you bring consistent and conscious effort to combating your inner critic, it will become weaker and thus allow you more positive energy, freedom and creativity to achieve what you set out to achieve in life.  

Lastly, here is a wildly popular TED video from Brené Brown. Although the main topic of the talk was on vulnerability (which deserves another blog post), another message stood out loud and clear to me: 

"There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy."  

"And so these (whole-hearted) folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect."